Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Back... yoga teacher, or an alien

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Am back.. it is has been, strangely, a very exhausting month for me... somehow, so many new students. Plus I am still trying to find a grip on my style of teaching.

I do not like being tough and unfortunately, sometimes, I am pushed into it. Because I meditate a lot, I am also aware when a particular action in a student is provocative. or when I know this person may need to be told off. I am also completely withdrawn from all that.. because I simply do not care to become involved in somebody else's spiritual morass(means mess, for those of you who do not know language:). If they want to wallow about, like walruses in their muck, why should I care.

But unfortunately, then I believe, I am prodded into becoming tough with some students..or when I know this person may need to be told off. I usually curb that completely, watching it on the sidelines for weeks. So when I tick off a student, it is never an emotional outburst, but something that has been pondered over.. and that would be the prod they need, at that time. It pisses me off, this involvement,because basically on a very personal basis I do not care. So what prods me, may appear to be a mystery.. seeing that I am so completely uninvolved..

 But I do believe, that which prods me, it is my own Guru -- and interestingly I have a huge conflict with that, with him. I do feel upset with my guru that he gets me involved with people in this way, who are way off the mark, spiritually, to catch the whiff of what he demands... They are all good, obviously.. but spiritual tone is something else. It is not even good!! It is tough, differently thinking, hatke... So, yes, my conflict is never with the student, though superficially, it may appear like that.. especially, for that hapless student:) Think of that, a sudden whiplash.. a mirror held up, to something they hide from for so long and which they do not want to face up to, in this lifetime..and who am I to point that? Hundred per cent I believe I do NOT have the right.. then, this thing happens, I am holding up a mirror, who herself feels beneath that task (I do, too:)

So my conflict is with that special something -- and I am still fighting with that which pushes me, my own teacher .. and I want my teacher to let me be, alone in my little corner,allow me to become a simple, money-minded teacher who cares two hoots where people are stuck.I want to be an instructor, not a teacher...

So, why I cannot be just a  simple asana teacher.. why do I need to feel the connection between yoga as something larger than life... So there, I am, between the devil and the deep sea.... such a lonely place:(

The interesting bit is, that some students who run off in a huff, they are happy to be in their mud pits. Some other students understand, after wisdom dawns, what it is I have tried.. so really, it is their karma. And then, they walk this path, with me...

I only plead, with my own teacher, that he does not involve me so much in other people's lives.. all these questions are very exhausting , what sort of a teacher am I, what is the sort of yoga I teach:( That is why I  went off the blog, to sulk -- because all I want in my life is to practice, not to teach or share...and I do not  want to know about other people and their souls, better than they seem to know themselves.. .. Arrrghhhhh!!
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How to define all  that.. because the asana is just a lingo in which all of what I believe in as yoga, gets translated....

And the thing that needs to be translated.. by asanas -- well, that defies translation...so there I am left, with a blank sheet and nothing to show..

again, such a lonely place, this:(

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