Monday, August 19, 2013

Aw, how many times..? Dropping the vetal/phantom ego

I know, I know.. I have been leaving this blog and returning after long gaps. I wish I could write, dramatically, that I was disillusioned with life and my yoga students and therefore kept off:) Or, more evocatively imply that I have attained moksha and did not need to discuss yoga on any platform any more. However, it was neither of these enthralling things -- just a hitch, that I did not have a computer, which gasped again, and collapsed. So my husband just returned it to his office, and thus, till my finances revived from my last indulgent trip to Nepal, I could not buy myself  a laptop -- which I finally did this week, So I am back and very happy to be so.
Plus tho I may not have attained moksha, I think that I am not in that mad zone either, feeling bloodied from the craving for it:) Something has settled in my mind..

So, that irritation I would feel with some students for idiotic behavior has almost (well,only almost, otherwise I would have attained moksha, na?) disappeared. Today, several students returned after a long gap (usually happens in the middle of the month).One haggled and insisted that she was a special student of mine (they never believe me, which only shows that I am very effective in that way, when I say that each of my student is special and they are not extra-special:) and that I should give her special consideration when she does walk-ins. Another one,though I keep making potshots at how delayed payment of fee can delay you from reaching some goal on the mat (they think I am being mercenary, that I am indulging in mumbo-jumbo talk, that I am just a nice aunty doing yoga for pocket money,etc etc) did not pay despite landing up late -- and she won't believe me, when I say that her not getting the crow, despite getting other exotic poses like the diamond, the unsupported headstand, is because she never pays on time. She does not believe me, but there it is-- I always see that connection -- u hold back,and the yoga energy also holds back from something u want very much from the mat..
Any way, I feel a turnaround in how I feel.. and have restarted early morning meditation, after some hiccups (in certain weather conditions as during the monsoons, u could just drift off into sleep try what you may:( and I do not do things that interferes with my practice .. and also I feel less of a need to lecture to anybody. So, I did not bother to lecture these two girls. They are amongst my oldest students. Clearly I am NOT changing lives, or habits, as I had fondly thought. And I am ok with that, now. The only thing that I can change, is myself, and maybe, it does not matter much, my changes too..I mean, if you are detached from yourself, why bother to make yourself perfect? U can drop several needs -- including to have a perfect spiritual resolution to every situation. It does not depend on me any more. Dropping such a pretentious thought could be equivalent to removing the biggest block I had on the path...

It could when the Vetal left Vikram, finally...and the ego of a teacher taking herself too seriously could fall off my own overburdened back:)

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