Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Sickness and the self

For the first time since I started teaching yoga, yesterday, not even midway in the class, I handed it over to a student-teacher and stepped out. I then subsequently cancelled two classes the next day. This is an exception, and some students, when I informed them over the mobile, were amazed I did this, and concerned.

Strange. But I feel as if there is a hole where my heart usually is, and that a wind is blowing through it:) It is making me very sick. Before that, it felt as if there was an anaconda wrapped around my chest and was squeezing my chest and ribcage. It was an actual squeeze. I myself do not feel this has anything to do with the body, though the pain did feel like I was having a cardiac arrest! Whatever it was, was tremendously painful, enough for me to cancel classes. The doc did a house call, gave me an emergency intravenous shot to control the outbreak, a three day supply of painkillers, and forced bed rest (for a day, she conceded, since she knows me well enough:) 

My own experience always has been that it is only when you allow trivial people or things enter your mindspace and nag u enough to disturb you, that outside pressures can collapse you. Maybe I am an egotistic fool. But having been sick all my life and reviving a flagging health through yoga and meditation, it is a viewpoint I believe I have earned, through experience. That it is when u allow external pressures, most importantly people, to enter your `self' that it can make u very sick.

Who has entered my mindspace, enough to make me sick? 

(From the film, Anaconda)
Now that is an interesting question.. But it is easily answered: always, there will be somebody, in your immediate environs, parasitic enough to try to steal your mindspace, often with negative behavior which may not even be their natural pattern, but which may be solely inspired by wanting to dislodge you spiritually. Negative behaviors is the easiest route to that space.

The beauty of this is of course, u know that such a pattern too is meant to help you, personally, resolve a spiritual dilemma. A lesson is being taught, in this pattern. Instead of being stuck there, wondering why(which is human and humdrum), if you  could look beyond the pattern(as a seasoned yoga practitioner and thus, more than human tho yet less than divine:), see the glimmer of something bigger, for you. Then,  there is a leap made, and no sickness suffered. But then, there are moments -- as for me now --  when you are fallible. You allow yourself to hurt instead of transiting that bridge.. then, lo, sickness:) Then back to being human and all that ...

How do u stop this? 

Meditation is a super recharger and natural reviver. It blocks off such nonsense. But as I have confessed here, for the last few months, my meditation has suffered enormously. And now I feel the need to get back to that with renewed vigor. More than asana practice, this has been my secret strength. 

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