Lotus, after 2 and half of months:)

Resuming kickboxing today, with a frisson of trepidation... Can I do it? Will I still be able to aim my limbs where I could? How about the knee which simply is resisting jatkas (sudden moves)? And then, what about the aftermath of pain?! Even earlier, any kickboxing session simply meant that you had that `good pain' for a day or two!!
Last two weeks restarted balancing poses. Even the simple single legged prayer pose  would create an extreme pressure at the knee, with the bones feeling as if they were grating against each other -- not so much pain as a strangely disturbing intimacy with the body that one did not choose! But yes, I have stuck on to the balancers, discomfort notwithstanding, and believe that is why I can do them with some comfort now, right up to single side leg lift (here am standing on the `bad' knee:)  So I don't believe one should stop for pain -- and if you are tuned in, as I hope I am, then, it is better to move on, overriding it. However, that could be difficult I believe simply because sometimes the pain can be excruciating, while healing. So the choice is limited. U have to be mostly mad to attempt it, as I believe I am! However, tho mad I still kept off padmasana because madness works only when combined with some sensibility which I also pride myself in. I wanted to regain my lotus, but I wanted it deep and intense, as I have always held it. So, I waited. Patience can be a good forte when combined with madness:) It is a balancing act, really!
So, today restarted the lotus, for the first time since two and a half months. And the vajrasana which I restarted a few days back (with super pain, I can assure you) has now morphed satisfyingingly into the child pose and I find that I can rest in it long enough. In fact, even tried gupta padmasana today and relaxed in it, as I always do... not feeling the time, and pain not there anymore in the lotus which, in this pose, is locked under the entire body. It feels like heaven!!
Just sharing this, because I seriously  believe healing has a lot to do with will power, positivity and sensibility. Plus a huge dollop of madness!
I still feel I have a slight limp, something that has become a habit and now has to be dropped.
Standing up suddenly still gives a jatka to the knee ... so I guess, it is still not healed completely, so I have to wait more for the rest of it to normalise. But I have a lot of time.. and patience... I will wait. Maybe it is also a habit, that I can dispense with soon enough. That sort of thing is always difficult to gauge -- whether it is pain that has become a habit in your body. The body has a lot of those useless things!! Which explains allergies, bronchitis, asthma, arthritis -- all of which come from the mind largely...
Interestingly that is what  I found out that: pain can become a habit, some sort of super security guard watching over you hoping that you will not repeat the stupid thing that  u did to get u into the pain zone  in the first place. Therefore, one has to be firm with it, and tell it that it is now the time for it to go, and that you are going to take care not to repeat such stupidities (which means warm-ups before intense movements!!) and cooldowns... In a way, this has been a good thing for me, because I have become very firm about pranayama (which naturally heals your insides) and sun salutes (warm-ups and healing moves) in my classes, despite the occasional manipulation by the student that they are getting bored with these practices.
Also, while healing I have a lot of time to think things over -- I believe positivity is very important. And you should simply move away from negative influences -- be it students, class timings, locations, mind sets, habits and a lot of things which are really really such a waste of your spiritual energies .. the older I grow, and as I heal, that is what I most want to control.... sattva!!
 Once that is there, then maybe the trigunarahita state will follow, naturally!!